Retrospection
(#240 from Suffer Well Devotional Series©)
www.sufferwell.org
As we go, we grow, and we set a path. –Michael David Beiter, Jr.
There comes a time when you realize that the edge you once stood on, that threshold where your utter despair and Yahweh’s comfort joined hands, was just “one edge,” for a new edge had come. You had persevered the anguish, believing that it could never be that tough again. But then, there it was again, a new edge with new circumstances, and that old pain. You thought you had grown, matured, and gained deeper spiritual insight. But, in an instant, you were crippled all over again.
Thankfully, in the moment you recognize the patterns; truly they are all you have. You realize the need to stay silent as you teeter on this new edge. You battle with memories of the regrets you had from the last breaking point; "I don't want to think that again; I know what it says to You Father." You purpose to make no impetuous moves, no emotional mistakes. You can't afford to slip. "Don't let me fall Father," is repeated often in your silence. You meditate on your past victories, remembering how strong you felt after overcoming. Somehow you expected that the strength you had gained would be more permanent, not just a new arrow in your quiver, but a new bow. But this new crisis seems to vanquish the enlightenment gained from past victories. You wonder if you actually learned anything. Doubts enter in; "Am I a fool? Is any of this faith I claim even real? Are You real Father; are You here?" You become ashamed of these thoughts, but if you don't reckon with them, that old friend sorrow will soon return.
Why is a devotional such as this remotely possible after so many others have expressed the power we possess to overcome? The answer is profoundly simple, His Holiness of course. The Holiness we will attain from this new “death” is far more than what we gained from the last edge we stood on. And each new edge is a fresh stone of remembrance on the path to Him, a reminder of His promises and His faithfulness (Joshua 4).
"You mean even when I think I have learned to be ‘unoffendable’ and pure of mind, Your high calling is purer still? And not only this, but that each edge creates something beautifully new in me, even when it makes me feel like I have now failed in an area I once thought conquered? Even if it makes me feel like I have forgotten everything I had previously learned?"
That’s correct loved one. Death, death, and another death is the path to His Holiness. The embodiment of strength: it is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). We have held you to a Holy standard. We know that illuminating patterns, and what they have produced within you, is inspirational. This word was to remind you that when you reach the place where you can only cry, "I can't do it!" that is when you are in the safest, securest, most glorious, and transformational place possible; you are in the Palm of Yahweh—in the pure essence of His Holiness. You are going to make it. He is everything He claims to be.
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3)
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